#also bad diagnosed ocd
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Nothing lately has quite humbled me or taken me back to my roots like breaking my bong after the fkn bong shop is closed. Like I'd usually just go buy another one, no issue
Has me feeling like the ghetto ass teenager I once was debating between the ol water bottle doorstop bong or aluminum foil to the downstem. Walking around this garage like a lost puppy looking for tools and such
#its been literal years since i had to do this jfc#can take the girl out of the ghetto but not the ghetto out of the girl lool#like its actually gross i know but i need to fkn sleep#im aware of other smoking methods yes#also bad diagnosed ocd#brain says only smoke from bongs so i listen idk
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you would have thought that i’ve learned my lesson by now about going into the ocd related tags on this goddamn website… and yet!
#i reached out to the last therapist i was seeing to try to reestablish weekly meetings#but dear god i’ve been compulsively scrolling through the tags and online forums to make sure that my experiences are the same as others to#prove i actually have ocd and that the intrusive thoughts aren’t subconscious desires#WHICH BAD UNHEALTHY#ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IVE BEEN DIAGNOSED#but also fucking of course the ocd related tumblr tags particularly pocd would be full of insane discourse and reassurance seeking#like fork found in kitchen#i really hope i’m able to get back into therapy soon#and maybe get back on medications#vent#tw ocd
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I feel like if one wants — and is trying to give themself — a mental disorder by using the label of “transid,” then they are probably already disordered in some other way that they are in denial of; because it‘s more stigmatized, or “less interesting” than the neurotype they’ve chosen to mimic… which is sad because they’re masking in two different directions at that point: one to hide their illness, the other to create an illness… which will lead to more illness. Bleak, to be honest.
#I kind of used to be like that as a kid. I claimed to have “multiple personalities” when I didn’t…#my brain just attaches characters to thoughts as a form of organization; and at that time the different concepts were “warring”#(AKA: I was trying to make logical sense of information when I had zero critical thinking skills because I was raised in a cult)#And I knew I didn’t really have different personalities deep down; but my sense of self was so fractured#that I wanted the different pieces to be different people so I could make the need to think about my issues go away#I simply wanted one “personality” to kill the others so I would imagine long bloody battles between my “selves” in my head#to exorcise my mind of impure thoughts (which never worked because they weren’t real people#and I couldn’t kill them because the people I created symbolized concepts and desires on which my brain perseverated every waking moment)#I was trying to kill off parts of myself to attain everlasting life on a paradise earth; so I could build a real Data and android children#in Paradise#so if I died in Armageddon from bad behavior (watching Markiplier and having fun times in the shower) I’d be killing them too#And the only other kid I saw who claimed to want a disorder (“wanted” to have OCD) wanted it because they wanted to be like a character#and they were later diagnosed with — you guessed it — autism!#Also both of us had an astonishing amount of free time on the internet and were raised essentially as only children in a cult#So I think a lot of it is isolation and just not knowing who you are because you never see yourself react to anything in real life#You don’t know what you would do in situations and therefore have no sense of self from total lack of life experience#And I actually had OCD for awhile as well… I kicked it for the most part. But the whole rumination battle thing was certainly a sign
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fuck. ok i guess
#head in my hands#i thought i was just crazy but it turns out that a significant amount of my problems over the past year have been symptoms of ocd! ok!#its just. jesus christ. you’re saying that every one of my problems has been a *textbook ocd symptom*.#like [REDACTED] which caused me significant problems for over half a year. textbook obsession.#[DIFFERENT REDACTED] which made me quit a fandom temporarily because i was spiraling so bad. also a textbook obsession.#all the times i looked up [“SOLUTION” TO REDACTED] were probably compulsions j guess. okay.#my brain telling me that there’s no way i could have ocd because i’m not diagnosed and am inherently less knowledgeable about everything#and i’m a bad person for even thinking maybe i could have ocd#also an obsession maybe.#what the fuck.#i am GOING to POST THIS and then NEVER THINK ABOUT IT AGAIN.#i’m not even tagging this. just. what the fuck.
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why... why am i just not good enough anymore? For the past few years, none of my art has won. For the past few years, I haven't had any friends. For the past few years, no one will actually give me an actual official diagnosis on a mental/physical problems. Is every facet of me not good enough? Am i just not good enough?
#unityrain.txt#i just... i don't understand#all the art i've submitted to things that didn't win... they weren't even bad things! i was really proud of them!#but i didnt win the art festival. i didn't win the nengajō competition (either level). i didn't even get in the top three of the jotun loki#design contest、which only had like 14 submissions.#given my streak i highly doubt i'll win the sonatina composition contest i entered either#with friends、i have none.#i used to have someone i was really really close with、but they left. And even though i've tried desperatly to make other friends、#no one seems interested#i do have some friendly acquaintances#but they don't seem to want anything more than that#i don't even fit in with my own family either#i'm very very lonely#with diagnosis、#my therapist (when i had one) said i definitely had anxiety depression and ocd、but that she couldn't actually diagnose me#also the general doctor i went to seemed to accept it and even offered medication that they don't usually give ppl my age#but if you actually look in my medical record it says nothing#and then i've had awful menstrual problems、and thought i probably had endometriosis、but when i went to the gynocologist#they said it wasn't that、but they didn't really seem to want to give me an actual specific diagnosis of whatever else it was either#they just said it was bad dysmenorrhea (medical term for cramps)、gave me a medication prescription、and then didn't put any diagnosis on my#record.#i just... why#vent#tw vent#vent in tags
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me six months ago when my therapist of 2 years said a schizoaffective diagnosis would be more appropriate than a bipolar diagnosis:
me currently, as i experience gradually worsening psychotic episodes without any mood shifts:
#the kicker is that. the first ever therapist i had back in 2019 theorized i was schizophrenic#like she . said . hey girl. i think youre schizo or bipolar#& back then we all thought it was the pot i was smokin#so it was diagnosed as bipolar ii#2020 rolls around & Oh Boy . get hospitalized in early jan 2021#bipolar i with psychotic features <- new diagnosis#but again . we thought it was the pot i was smoking#quit the pot . i start seein my then therapist#shes great i stick with her for 2 years . dont have any drastic mood shifts except depression#no mania . she thinks the depression is enviornmental based (turns out to be true)#however . she notices that . the Anxious Thought Patterns are . well . ocd#which is what the hospital staff had said#however . she also began to see that . they were psychotic#so . she told me toward the end that schizoaffective would be more fitting#well . im out of the bad enviornment i dont smoke pot anymore and yet . i am still losing my mind#she may have been . correct
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For awhile now I've been wondering whether I had Some form of OCD or not after seeing posts about it and I'm like: "How can you even tell if it's anxiety or ocd-- Oh, a professional can. " Well then I'll just continue to sleep peacefully with my possibly many undiagnosed problems.
#aria rants#one thing im certain bout myself. undiagnosed or not. is the social anxiety and thats it rlly#for the ocd thing i had a time in my life where i really. REALLY hated and avoided ''bad'' stuff#like villain characters. stories with toxic themes. basically anything that looks ''bad''#cuz i was hella worried about being mistaken for a bad person cuz i like this ''bad'' fictional thing#i think there are other incidents similar like that too but i cant remember anymore#not sure if thats an ocd thing. cuz like most info i found on it is how it Sticks Around#pretty long and i dont think? mines around much anymore. like i dont feel it much anymore#tho there are times where i catch myself thinkin bout smth that could fall into that#but am also like swatting it away like: it's fine! you'll be fine. no need to think that.#and suddenly everythings okay so like-- huh. i got a weird lil brain yaknow?#cant rlly get diagnosed and i dont think i can for a long time but hey! im managing so far! i think ill be ok
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hng rgg aaaggh. maybe confronting the possibility that perhaps i might have sexuality and gender related ocd tendencies and i really don't want to *lays down and cries on the lab floor*
#i know that i have ocd tendencies. i do not want to self diagnose however#i struggle with obsessive rumination and doubt and circular thought patterns#and compulsive self-checking and reassurance seeking#wayyyyy more than i think is normal and it is often extremely distressing#and i don't want to admit that maybe it is a problem#and i know i have struggled with this before about a pretty wide variety of other things#like religion and specific beliefs about being a certain kind of evil that lead to extreme intrusive thoughts and constant body monitoring#but i am finally finally out of those things and don't deal with them at all anymore#and i don't want to admit that this specific kind of thing might just be something i deal with for my whole life#and also don't want to admit this Specifically may mean i can't be involved in the larger queer community#because it is straight up bad for my brain because i can't stop myself from circling identities like a demented carousel#and i just want so badly to be able to be part of that because i want a community and constantly feel the need to belong somewhere#(which is a whole OTHER issue but we aren't dealing with that right now)
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i feel like a loading bar that's very slowly ticking up until i actually believe my therapist's belief that i have ocd
#shut up myth#i'm at. like. 30% at this point#i keep trying to talk myself out of it because it feels.......... almost appropriative and i've never seen people talk about the symptoms#that i've felt so it feels VERY fake#but the more i read and the more i talk it over with her the more i'm like......... okay well . maybe. i'll entertain the notion#two really big things that got me are the need to get reassurances from ppl and the need to rewrite things until they're Perfect#like holy shit those are two GIANT parts of why i habitually self isolate#like it feels so bad to consider bc i'm not like........in some ways these are debilitating but in other ways they are very much not#so it's like. i don't have it bad enough. it's like everything that's wrong w/ me#if people with ocd have it up to 100% i have it to 50% if people have depression at 100% i have it to 70%#if people with autism have it to 100% i have it to 60%#like???#i don't know. i get to work on time for the most part and i do what needs doing for the most part. i'm functional#i don't ENJOY being alive but that could so easily be explained by me being a piece of shit#idk! idk. i'm tired of not knowing for sure but also i am having such a hard time accepting that i'm diagnosable#and not just. as i say. a piece of shit#i can tell it's getting late bc all this self introspection is starting to get me down lmao#gonna light a candle and watch some gumball and go to bed#i oversteeped my oolong :<
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me to my girlfriend: i love you. whenever im around you the voices get quiet
her: ok
#evilmartin430.txt#to be clear this is about hearing the literal voices of everyone around me talking and not being able to tune it out#probably due to a subconscious feeling that i need to be hyperaware of my surroundings or else i will be in DANGER when i least expect it#but when im with her i feel safe and i dont have to look around or listen to everything :]#but feel free 2 interpret this as like arasol or whatever ships. arasol is the correct answer though we are literally them /hj#hearing voices in general just sucks. stop talking shut the hell up#whatevers wrong with my head also makes my internal monologue really bad sometimes#i think it might be ocd but i havent been diagnosed#bluh. rambling
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My therapist I've been seeing for over 2 years diagnosed me with complex ptsd and I feel so weird about it because I'm like me ?? Trauma?? Don't know her !!!! Never happened!!
She's said she's thought this for a while and after I saw a psych who diagnosed me it just settled it for her like "ok finally". She's also already been telling me I've been through trauma even if I don't believe it.
Still!! Really having a hard time accepting this like...what. what. My life has been Totally Fine don't know what she's talking about!!!
Anyway I feel so weird and I'm rambling but idk what else to do with these feelings tbh
#im like shaking.#like i have other diagnoses ( mdd anxiety ocd and partially recovered ed??)#and i still don't even believe those#im like im fine im not bad enough#my symptoms aren't bad enough#i havent been abused or anyrhing im fine#and my therapist is like girl...you dont need to have been abused to have trauma#im feeling so many things#I feel fake and wrong and awful and validated?? but also lonely and strange like idk#please ignore me while i try to avoid my feelings at all costs but drowning myself in other obsessions#cptsd#complex ptsd#actually cptsd#??? i guess??#tw trauma#i guess#idk I feel so strange rn#my post#my psych met me and was like these symptoms dont come from nowhere so what happened to you#and i was like UMMM NOTHING???#also weird like i used to believe i had bpd/avpd (still a possibility imo)#but they are similar and i relate to cptsd but dont believe i have trauma so like !!!!!#idk man
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Had something similar (not the same) to this ^. Abusive stepmother with abusive demands, and the therapist sided with her because stepmom was "looking out for [my] safety." Another therapist refused to see what my mom did throughout my life as abuse/neglect because my mom was an addict and "trying her best." To this day I still struggle with whether or not what happened was bad enough.
i do think therapy recommenders on here wildly irresponsibly downplay its potential risks lmao starting obviously w/ the threat of psych and criminal institutionalisation which is structurally inherent to the patient-physician relationship but also the maybe more mundane risk of simply receiving treatment that is bad for you and counterproductive. i do not know where the idea came from that therapy is 'at worst useless'. at worst it fucks you up majorstyle
#important#interesting#bad therapists can and do exist#also shoutout to the apologist therapist for diagnosing me with ocd/ptsd and then not trying to help me treat it
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Hhhh been doing way too much thinking lately good lord
#I think I may have ocd but#bc I can't get a diagnosis rly anytime soon#I'm just tormenting myself with doubt and#I can't stop thinking about it and researching#and while I've had this suspicion for years I also feel like I could be exaggerating#idk#I feel like it's dumb to say I'm exaggerating bc I'm just as scared of actually being diagnosed#so why on earth would I exaggerate to get a diagnosis that scares me 😭#it's just so many things over the years and even now#and I've always just thought I was crazy#or fucked up or a bad person bc these thoughts and these tendencies and these fears#I also wonder if it's part of why I'm so fucking anxious ALL the time#idk idk......#feeling too introspective#vent tw#ocd tw#sid rambles
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Astrology Observations: Part 3🎀🩷
Mars aspecting the ASC can give the individual a dominating demeanor, but also mainly depends on which aspect. Ex: Harmonius Aspects (trine/sextile)=Straightforward, honest, stand their ground, strong boundaries, not one to be pushed around. Harsh Aspects (square/opp)= Aggressive, domineering, rude, blunt, obnoxious.
(TW: Death) Your 8H sign and planet may tell you how you pass away. Ex: Gemini moon in the 8H= Lungs, breathing problems, asthma. Moon= emotional turmoil, stress, heart break etc
Asteroids like Medusa (149) or Aphrodite (1388) can show you what people envy about you, what they admire, where they may attempt to bring you shame etc. Ex: Medusa in the 1H can attract envy over their appearance, their aura and demeanor. People could attempt to “humble” these individuals often. Aphrodite in the 2H can make others admire your money, your possessions, may wanna know how you have what you have so they can have it too.
Aphrodite (1388) can result in people not just admiring wherever the house it’s in, but also being malicious and petty over it since they feel they deserve it more.
Lilith in the houses is similar to this, and can result in those around you being annoyed when you do things in regards to the house and sign it is in. Ex: Sagittarius Lilith in the 2H= people could be upset when you relax, when you have fun, when you don’t play by made up rules and standards, when you’re genuinely happy, when you have nice things, when you take a break, when you indulge etc, because they have this mindset of “I never got to do that/have that, why should you”. Lilith in the 1H= people getting annoyed that you may be beautiful and they’re not, painting you as a villain because you’re pretty.
Cancer moons are surprisingly really good with holding boundaries with people in their lives. These people can be lover girls/boys, for sure; but they refuse to let people take advantage of them. Their love, effort and care is reserved for those who will appreciate them in return.
(TW: Mental Health) Take this with a grain of salt since it’s just an observation and not a fact, but those I’ve met with a combo of Scorpio/Gemini in personal planets in a chart are usually diagnosed with BPD, while those I’ve met with either Virgo/Aries/Gemini in a chart combined have usually been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder/OCD. 12H and 8H stelliums I’ve also met have had some sort of mental illness such as BPD or Schizophrenia.
Jupiter in the 1H, Sag/Pisces risings and/or Jupiter aspecting ASC/personal planets usually manage to get out of difficult situations easily. These people easily attract the help they need, the resources to do what they need, the money to get them where they want to be; very easily. Even when people with these placements/aspects get in trouble they usually manage to make it out very easily as well. Jupiter blesses and makes lucky anything it touches.
People think that Mercury in the 1H might usually talk alot about themselves, and while that may be true; it’s also true that they simply attract people who love to know about them and ask questions in regards to them. Mercury 1H individuals seem to be interesting to others and peak others curiosity about them. Others find them fascinating, thus constantly asking questions about them.
On the other hand, Mercury 3H individuals may be very close with their siblings, or their siblings can be popular/known/famous which could make the 3H person known for their siblings. This results in the 3H person consistently hearing about their siblings, getting asked questions or discussing topics in regards to their siblings. Same thing with school, this person may have either really good or really bad grades in regards to school so their main conversations with others could be in regards to school topics.
A Virgo rising individual at their worst can be obsessed with popularity/attention/validation (Leo 12H) amongst their peers. They may not come off that way, and they themselves may not even know that they secretly love being in the center. Without realizing, they subconsciously try their hardest to be the best at everything, the smartest, the prettiest/handsomest, and when at their lowest they have no issue with taking down others who they deem threatening to their spotlight. They can also be secretly judgmental of those who they deem to be lesser, or not as attractive than they are.
Similarly, I’ve noticed Scorpio Risings at their worse can be very jealous and insecure individuals as well when it comes to appearances/validation. I’ve noticed this in women with this placement mostly, but when they’re at their lowest/undeveloped, they’re the type to only be friends with or surround themselves around people they think are worse than they are whether appearance, status, popularity wise etc. Undeveloped Scorpio rising females can be very competitive and refuse to have someone who’s possibly better than they are around them, since they don’t want to be compared to the other person or not chosen/not the favorite.
Libra moon’s are the people that start the drama and then say “I don’t like drama” lol. What they really mean is they love it, as long as they’re not involved
If you find that you always have bad experiences with those whose signs fall in your 11H, check your sidereal chart. Odds are your 11H sign in your western chart is the 12H sign in your sidereal, which would explain the bad experiences.
Aquarius women are always so successful in everything they do, I’ve rarely met an Aquarius woman that doesn’t have their shit together in every category. They’re giving face, body, money, career, healthy love life and social life etc. The men on the other hand…
Yes, those with Saturn in the 7H have a hard time finding the one. They go through years of cycles and repetitive situations in love but those who find their person find their FOREVER person. People with this placement may be the last to be in a relationship/get married amongst their peers, however they’re usually the happiest and most successful once they do compared to friends or family who just hurried up and settled and usually separate/divorce. Saturn 7H’s standards and boundaries may also seem to high or unrealistic to those around them, but they’re just asking for bare minimum. It only seems that way to others around them because they were raised in a group or environment that had no standards low key.
The good thing about 2H stelliums is that you attract money, possessions and success super easily. The bad thing is that those around you could ONLY see you as your success/money, and may try to bleed you dry of what you have and take advantage. Strong boundaries and not being overly giving is recommended with these placements.
Mars in the 12H can attract people who are secretly aggressive or hostile towards them. They may never know someone is holding a grudge on them and they may attract secret animosity or competition as a result. May have issues with male figures in their life and won’t even know it.
Jupiter in the 6H, especially with Cancer or Libra there; get along with animals sooo well. These are literal pet whisperers and it’s rare for them to not have at least 3 cats/dogs. They love animals more than people sometimes.
Part 4 will be out soon. 👏🏻
#aries#astro notes#astro observations#astrology#cancer#gemini horoscope: star sign dates#leo astrology#libra#scorpio#taurus#aquarius#8h placements#8h synastry#8h moon#8h sun#12h placements#12h synastry#astro community#astroblr#tarotblr#tarotcommunity#tarot witch#daily tarot#tarot reading#tarot deck#tarot cards#free tarot#tarot#psychology#pisces
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Mental Health words you need to stop using wrong or at all
• Narcissist- describes someone with NPD or Narcissistic traits. Your asshole ex was probably not a narcissist and diagnosing others when you don’t treat them in a clinical setting, is not something you should be doing.
• Narcissistic abuse- this doesn’t exist. Your abuse was valid and we support you speaking up against your abuser but you don’t need to demonize an entire disorder to do that. We are trauma survivors too.
• Antisocial- describes someone with ASPD or antisocial traits. You being introverted or a homebody is not the same as having a lack of prosocial emotions and disregard for social customs.
• OCD- I see this one everywhere. You are not “so OCD” for wanting things to be organized. OCD is a disorder that consists of obsessions and compulsions. It also has intrusive thoughts (talked about next). You can have OCD and be unorganized or messy. Organizing can also be a compulsion but it’s not simply that. Compulsions are something you feel like you HAVE to do or something bad will happen. It is not mild discomfort. It is deeply upsetting and dictates your every thought without proper treatment.
•intrusive thoughts- everyone seems to be mixing up intrusive and impulsive thoughts. Impulsive thoughts are something that you suddenly get the urge to do, typically without regard for the consequences. This is something that you WANT to do. This can be something like dying your hair in the middle of the night, getting a tattoo you might regret later, etc. Intrusive thoughts are not at all that. Intrusive thoughts are things that go completely against your moral code. They are a part of OCD. They are horrifying thoughts to have. Intrusive thoughts can be things like thoughts of hurting those closest to you, thoughts of hurting children, or graphic images that won’t go away. Giving in to impulsive thoughts is usually irresponsible. Giving in to intrusive thoughts could be catastrophic. No one is giving in to intrusive thoughts. The whole point is that they are things you would NEVER DO.
• ADD- this is mostly targeted at my mother. Attention Deficit Disorder no longer exists. ADD is now under the umbrella disorder of ADHD. There are three subtypes of ADHD: inattentive, classic, and combined. Predominantly Inattentive ADHD is when a person presents with the inability to focus, stay on track, and remember things like a neurotypical but doesn’t really present with hyperactivity. Predominantly hyperactive/impulsive is basically the other end of the spectrum. Someone may present with hyperactivity and impulsivity but not so much inattentiveness. Predominantly combined is when a person presents with all of those symptoms.
Feel free to add things I missed in reblogs!
#actually npd#cluster b#npd safe#aspd safe#actually narcissistic#narcissistic personality disorder#actually ocd#intrusive thoughts#impulsive thoughts#actually adhd#adhd#attention deficit hyperactivity disorder#attention deficit disorder (add)
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pillow tpot headcanons (long ramble expanding on the ocd part under the cut)
ok so first warning: i am not a psychiatrist. this isnt a super educated essay on ocd, just me projecting my lived experience onto an object show character. this is just an observation. if i get something wrong feel free to correct me, ill add it here. (its also worth noting i am self diagnosed. not "quick google search" self dx though, ive gone over it with a therapist and everything)
and that leads into the second warning: this ramble will get a tad bit personal sorryyyy
and finally the third warning: i put she/it on the ref but im just using she/her for simplicity (+ i forgot LOL(
anyway so yeah i think that pillow has ocd and is basically the embodiment of "letting intrusive thoughts win" except like. actually. this headcanon didnt stem from the killing or the strange impulses though, i think she has it because of her fixation on good and bad luck in tpot 10.
for me it manifests in a few different ways. my main one is counting—i have good luck numbers and bad luck numbers. i need to take a specific number of snacks every time i have a bowl of them. i have to shake medicine bottles a certain amount of times before taking them. i am always counting the "syllables" of whatever im doing, and it always has to land on a multiple/factor of my lucky number. and if i break any of this, i (generally, if i cant convince myself its fine or if i dont notice) have to count to my lucky number otherwise something bad will happen. hell, i added more flags to this ref because the number of them was my unlucky number.
i have a few other things that affect it that are completely unrelated to counting, though. like a particularly bad one is that i straight up cant wear certain articles or clothing anymore because theyre bad luck. or my ungodly long night routine (which is probably more of an autism thing tbh. but certain parts of it are absolutely influenced by the ocd, like having to say goodnight to my dog).
that ^^ is what i saw in pillow. she was distraught that her team lost in 9, because not only did she think she was doing the challenge right, but killing people (bringing death) was good luck for her.
i think her killing people was a compulsion, and her whole thing in 10 was her scrambling to find a new one after that stopped working.
and before anyone tries to be all like "oh thats fucked up why would they portray ocd like that," one: i dont think this was on purpose this was just an observation, two: i mean..... fuck dude if i lived in a world where revival was incredibly accessible and one of my compulsions were to kill people, id do the same thing. death is fairly normal in bfdi, to the point everyone literally has a kill count on the fandom wiki (hers is 13 as of tpot 11 btw, a commonly unlucky number ironically enough. if she gets eliminated in 12 with an unlucky kill count thatd be so funny). once they get past the pain, its. really just an inconvenience to them.
when it comes to ocd, you. HAVE to do these things. its not a choice until you can get some outside help with it, and oftentimes its an inconvenience to those around you. i dont think its right for her to be going around killing her team, but when i get past the fact that is literally what made her my favorite, i get where shes coming from. shes trying to help in a way she "knows" will work.
or maybe shes just silly idk
#art#artists on tumblr#bfdi#bfb#tpot#battle for dream island#battle for bfdi#the power of two#pillow tpot#tpot pillow#bfdi pillow#pillow bfdi#bfb pillow#pillow bfb#bfdi tpot#object shows#object show community#soooo scared to post this
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